Essence of Angst
by vampire kyuubi
Summary: read to find out


You pretend they never happened. You pretend I was never your sister, never of any sort of relation to you. 

But they did happen, those memories.

There was a time when we were sisters; when we were innocent and young and not understanding of the consequences of our actions, of any actions.

There was a time when we could smile at each other in ecstasy and practice sparring in the forest before we were really taught anything of significant importance or harm that a weapon could do.

There was a time when I would run ahead and gather lilac flowers for you, just because you seemed to like them so much, and you would follow behind me, your laughter echoing in the trees.

And then I was taken away from you, to be born as a true ninja - as a kunoichi.

And then you learned the truth.

Friendship and love ceased to exist. You grew ignorant of the happy times we had shared in the past, and you gladly took on the duty of a skilled warrior. I can't blame you - the circumstances in which you were conceived must have been a shock, and yet you still choose to seek vengeance - by spilling my blood.

It is true I am considered a traitor and a coward for running away from the clan, but have you ever considered why I did what I did?

What more can I say to prove myself? What more do you want from me? I made my decisions for my brother's safety, so I could find him and we could all be together again.

I did what I had to do. I want to bring my brother back - you know that. He insists on pretending he does not know me - nor acknowledge the person I have had to become - and he longs for my blood to be spilt as well. The odd thing is, he now treats you the same way he used to treat me. Whenever I have had the rather unfortunate opportunity to come across the both of you… he is with you. To see him with you doesn't hurt as much as his inability, his refusal, to recognise me as his sibling. But it's not enough for you, is it…

I know you hate me. I know nothing that would appease you greater than if you were to see my body buried in the ground, and that you were the one to take on such an arduous task, given that our skills are so similar. While it is true that you have become the second greatest warrior in our clan to be feared, my skill still surpasses yours to some degree, and it is for that exact reason you have not managed to kill me yet.

Yes, I am better than you. I'm sorry. I won't allow my death to occur at your hands, not if I can help it, but you will never best me. Whenever you have managed to corner me in a position dangerous enough to deliver the fatal blow, your anger overrules the situation, and that is… the one reason why I've been able to make it this far.

Ayane, if you wish to ignore my words regarding the past and to completely break off all ties of recognition as who we are, as opposed to what we are supposed to be, at least pay heed to this.

I will fight you until my dying breath, but only for the reason that if I do not use defence, my life will truly be at risk, and at mercy of your competence.

I will not, nor will I ever, kill you.

Ayane, whether you admit it or not or continue to fight while convincing yourself otherwise, you are my blood kin. As much hatred as you have for me, that fact will not be ignored; and if you kill me under the pretence that I am worthless, a coward, and that I do not deserve recognition for being a "traitor", that fact will remain.

I ask why because I want to be free of the past, and I don't understand why you cannot forgive me.

I ask why because people long for my death to occur, and as much as I may have deserved it, they don't look past the surface. They make judgements on my decisions, and do not take my motives into consideration.

I ask why because no matter what I do, I am treated with varying hatred for my intentions.

I ask why every time because I do not wish to fight you.

I ask why every time because I want you to be my sister again, and I want Hayate to be my brother again.

I want to be acknowledged as your sister again, Ayane. For once I want to be able to approach you, and not have to tense my body in anticipation of an attack because you no longer see me as a sister, but a despicable enemy. I want to trust you as a friend.

You were once my sister in friendship. Now you are my enemy in blood.

And I know, somewhere underneath all that hatred and hostility towards all those who caused you suffering, that there is the little girl I used to know when we were growing up. I know she is still there, because if she wasn't, she would not waste so much effort in trying to search for me and gain recognition. You seek me not because you want so much as to see my remains buried, but because you fear others. You fear losing who you have become, and what you have become. You fear insecurity of chasing a path that you know will not end for a very long time, and you create the façade of convincing yourself that if you kill me, I can somehow end it.

You were always determined to accomplish the best that you could, Ayane.

I pray with all my soul that one day, if only for a moment, we can be sisters again.

Just once.


End file.
